(I placed this in my blog section, Not an experience/group. I write here things that are life altering, or very important, personal matters..matters of the heart.)
This friday I will be leaving out for a camping adventure in the Smoky Mountains. I have chosen to pitch a tent, he suggested a cabin, I wish to listen to nightly sounds, stare at the night sky by a small campfire ... go figure. ;) To go exploring new places and things for 4 nights and 5 days, I am so excited my nerves have settled in the tummy. I will be experiencing... everything anew!! This is time set aside for Mr. P. and me ;) to get to know each other.. better. If only you all could see the huge smile that is upon my face.
To be able to spend time with Mother Nature and all her beauty....sigh.. *smile* The hikes and sights we have planned. One day we are going on a hike to see a waterfall in all of it's glory. Springtime around every corner of the woods..sigh.... The nights we dine and watch these wonderful entertaining shows. To hot air balloon ride...I refused to ..zip-line anywhere! ;) To do ... Whatever suits our fancies, we will do! ;)
This rush I am feeling is awesome. This adventure could open doors I have never known to exist......or close one.... psssttt..... the way I see it... it is going to be an OMG time! *smile* So, I won't be breezing thru for a few days.... Brushes my hair from my forehead... and speaking these words to you.......
"Forgive me please... I have more important things to do then talk to you... ;)... Mr. P, and Mother Nature calls to me...I must leave. Till we meet again" .... xo *smile*
PS..... OMG!!! I can not wait to return and tell you all about this wonderful blessing of an adventure I am about to leave on! ;)
Since my divorce three years ago...wait.. for as long as i can remember... i have burned my candle at both ends! They met a year ago.
Is it my age or have i learned a lesson.
Being a slave to money, working my life away MUST stop.
At my age i see i have lost time in working so much.
No time for myself nor anyone else.
Life has past me by.
I am very tired.. been complaining for awhile about that!
I am going back to working only for myself as a housekeeper.
No more overtime in the evening hours.
No more working for others.
No more no time for anything.
My last night as a cook is here!
~Doing a happy dance... but my back is hurting so I'll wait! *smile*
After opening doors, looking for other jobs.. the Universe showed that i can make it just fine without working myself to death!
I applied at a perfect job.. never heard anything back.
Still it opened the door to jobs coming to me ... for a housekeeper.
I have picked up some good paying jobs in the past week that won't work me to death.
I will have my evenings free.
Till I work-up just 3 more jobs... I have time on my hands.
She is alive! Time to live!
The lesson of being controlled by money... has been learned the hard way!
I make enough to live without worry and for.. the savings account..
Saving my life is what will make me rich!
Just time to live, love and laugh is the lesson i have ..gotten thru my hard-head.
Yes, I dare myself to speak a hidden secret I carry.
It maybe TMI ! lol This is my blog and I can do as I please. *smile*
Ok... First I'd like to make this perfectly clear... Gives the Peace sign..lol..
I'm nervous here, I get silly when I am...
For my own therapy I bare my this confession.
They say the truth will set you free.. let's find out,
Sigh..... I want to talk about SEX.
.......... runs and hides..lol.
I hope my past words here can enlighten you to who I am. And how hard this is.
So why do it. I dared myself
To admit it to myself .. for all to see.
I've share the bed with very few men. Most were whoredogs!
I was their whore, them the dog.
Like a dog, they lick, chew around on their meaty bone till... something else catch their attention.
So, they start digging a hole to put his bone in for future use.
That was pretty funny ... sorry. *smile*
So, I haven't had the finest sex life. Never had.
Being a rape victim at the age of 14 wasn't the best start...in the first place.
This last relationship, damn if it didn't put the icing on the cake!!
Regarding... My attitude on SEX.
I AVOID groups here on ep relating to SEX.
Just didn't want to hear about IT nor read about IT.
I figured that one way to keep man at bay was to not have SEX...
The next thing I did to make my attitude stay.. SAFE.
I put on a chastity belt ..
It's been years now, got use to wearing it.
You know what's worse...
I lost the fucking key!
But the truth of the matter is.... I am a loving person. I love to love. .. with body, soul and mind.
The year of 2011 was a dazed and confusing year. No one home that year. It was fill of so many...much emotions. I was trying to recover and stand back up... dusting myself off from Hell year, 2010.
Now 2012 was a rollercoaster .. not fun .. ride! Too much to carry-on about. Hell, I just don't even want to think about it. Live and let die! ;-)
I believe I have grown not just older, but I am wiser. Through all my changes, I wanted to learn from them all...heck.. thru out my life. I choose to ..."feed my good wolf."
I do smile when I rerun special times, moments that I have been blessed with. Excitement, adventure, love, meeting new folks, being here on EP, reuniting with family, forgivness, letting go of manyyyy years. A total change in life....PERIOD
Yup, no doubt 2013 will be full of changes too, well at least I pray and hope there is! *smile*
I grow "Stronger."
Every morning with coffee in hand I make my X on the day of my calender. Like the day has already came and gone. I have been doing this since 2004. huh? It's like I am checking off the days till..... ? I got no idea what I am waiting on, but it's something...lol.. lordy!
What that something is... I wish it would hurry-up and make itself clear to me. I feel like I am crossing off my life! It makes me feel, think like I am in prison and waiting for my release to freedom. But it is a sign that I am waiting for the/that....? Go figure.
Affirmative, I copy that!
I have been needing a big change in my life since my marriage went down the drain and took some of me with it. BUT all IS better. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, they say. I agree, but there are side-effects to the ...adjustment.
Anywaysssss... My changing attitude towards life, it has alot to do with me pondering my ..status in life.
No longer a child nor am I ready to kick the bucket ...I pray. But at my age, retirement is just around the corner. I need to prepare for it since I've waited all my life for it...lol!
I have 10 yrs left to ... make a dream come true. My dream is to live on the west coast, between the mountains and ocean... got the best of both worlds! BUT I have much to do till there... the big questions is ... do I make a stand ... where? ... till the day I work no more. *smile* Well, at least not for anyone, I'll always be busy. That is who I am... class A soul.
Since I have been returning to my hometown, I am discovering what I need! Love. From old friends, family members that I need back into my life to make me happy. Hang-out with them... till I disappear again into the wild blue yonder. *smile*
As I reconnect with these loved ones of mine. Enjoy their company, I can find me work, then begin to build for my future WITH loved ones all around me.
I can do what I do now, here,... there, home.
So, I know my direction now. I know where I need to me. I know where I can grow stronger, with much love.
Then... I'll buy my trailer, pack for the open road and ... Watch-out.... here comes Granny!... That's cool, I CAN carry my rocker... cool! *smile*
Well.. today is the 16th... barely but there is only 10 days left till Christmas. The past two, was a blurr! Work was down right crazy! A hell kitchenb..lol... Plus I got all my candy, cookie,... baking goods. ...side note... wth is up with these outrageous groceries prices!! Anyways .... even got my gifts for my grandchildren and ... Soooo, the past two days has been great.
For the next 10 till Christmas.... I have a party to attend tomorrow then, Monday I begin making my goodies. I am even going to mother's for the holidays. That's a first... well, it's been 8yrs. Plus I am still in high gear with work!! But....
All is as it should be. *smile*
Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
The straw that broke the camel's back.
A flip-flop of emotions.
Bright to down right darkness.
Don't want to try no more.
Pain is too much.
My mind running to fast.
My charcter has been attack..
Was it the truth?
Now I know why I remain a solitude soul.
I know I am not a perfect person.
Hell I don't like myself at this moment.
Nowhere to run.
That is why i sit in first of a screen and release my thoughts and feelings ...
God I can't enter a new year like this!
It's cold out.
My head hurts.
My spirit is broke.
Yup, a trigger was pulled.
Huh.. just wrote words saying no way... but yup..way!
Lost my best friend too.
Just want this to come out...
But it won't.
Just a messed up soul.
You are mean!
No one cares, Debbie
What the shit are you doing up at 3am.
Asking for sympathy, more like begging for it.
Thank God for "Experience Project" and how it offers so much... getting in touch with folks from around the world to blogs and love those questions. That is awesome and all! What I love the most is how I Get To Know Myself! Thru the interacting with all you fine folks to my own experiences that are written out loud...may I add.... for...me.... and hopeful I'm not the only soul that needs some kind of release, a place to vent, share and express myself.
I just got done reading my past blogs. Reviewed my own history, how I tic and who I am. It's amazing, awesome how I've changed, how I am growing and learning. So much that ... huh..lol... that I am breaking chains that I had no idea that were binding me.
You see, in 2004 I lost everything in a housefire ...hell I was lost in a bad marriage, with ghosts of the past. Whatever.... blah blah blah. Any ol' way I had a choice to .. get myself together or.... Wellllll.... I fought back with all my might. Broke old habits, adjusted my attitude, looked at thing differently... the rose colored glasses came off. I had much to do to ... rebuid myself!
Even in recent months, my life has had a few twists and turns. Thru it all, I have learned! ...I will try to not be windy here and try to make a long story short.... lol. Oh, so much thoughts running thru this head of mind.
1. I have a new bright wide smile.... new teeth, beautiful chopper..lol.. awesome smile now!
2. My new grandson was borned this month. My son is flying me out to meet him and catch up on my granddaughter I have only seen when she was one week old...she is now two and a half yrs. old.
3. I have a new room mate. I can save now for my future..plus company AND... I work Tuesday thru Friday from 9am to 11:30pm and 5pm to11:30pm on Saturdays. My home won't be alone nor my loved furry children. ;-)
4. Today I went thru a box of saved pictures, letters..etc... that survived my house fire. Well... the emotional ride was ...out of sight!!!!! Doors and windows to my soul flew open... no shit! lol... I remembered...REMEMBERED things, places, ...words of loved ones. I remembered in a different light! Too deep, too much to type here.... But it was like breaking thru, a release of emotions that...wellll... I am wide awake, ..smiling and I know who I am.
Pretty cheesy huh...lol... I guess the point is... Nope, I never give up and I am glad, ..heck..I am happy! I am finding my center, my balance!! ...Oh, AND it's all on type, got proof, it's all here on EP... ;-)
After having so many relationships ending in a painful death, ... I am ..SCARED. Questioning my own feelings and motives of this move to the unknown with a man I barely know. Don't get me wrong, where I am going is a dream come dream. He is gentle enough, wise enough and has the compassion I wish to share, live with. BUT....
There are no guarantees in the world about anything, this I know! When it comes to the matters of the heart ... I walk on eggshells... so scared to let ALL my walls drop. Fear that if once again I allow another person to share myself with... will they "steal" my identity, try to change me, take away my independence that I have fought so hard to make come about.... these are only a few things that my mind is pondering...worring about!
I have openly spoke my feelings/emotions about all these doubts as the died-line approaches ..the day of my big move! I am sick with worry and doubt... past ghosts are haunting me till I seem to not move..don't even want to do so.
Do I suck-it-up and move forward or ...run away and hide..within myself.
I have been thru some mighty big changes in life, time always tells me... Deb.. you did good or.. why the hell didn't you listen to yourself. This ...I guess... we will see on this too.
I don't ever have to work again and do without... the choice is mine. But I know of nothing else but to make my own way thru this old world. So, I'll start back to work in a month or so, build me a nest egg and... time will tell.
So... in just 4 more days I move myself, my belongings and fur-children to a new area. Into the unknown!!!!!!! Wish me luck, and say alittle prayer for me.. if you would Please. I won't have the means to get on the internet, this is an old dail up computer and no phonelines are in this new place. I'll work hard and get me a laptop and... life will go on....hopefully!
So, this is good-bye for ... ?.. how long... Time will tell!l
What was missing in my life, you filled that void.
I do walk my talk.... I practice what i preach.... I will never give up or give in.
There are times when life is more than challenging. I wonder often... really how much more strength I can mustard-up, with a smile, a postive attitude to continue bravely forward. I do believe there are rewards for hard work, the more you put in, the more you receive. BUT there are times no matter how hard you work, it seems to fall apart!
Hmmm... delays and obstacles... I get what they can mean!!
Today, I lost another customer, last week I lost a customer, in March I lost my biggest customer. Grand total of losses.... Deadly amount, the ship is sinking!
So...all day my mind has gone from one thought to another. In the middle of the stream of determine thoughts... a bad booger comes creeping in, my worry demon, bringing with him doubts, fears of the unknown outcome ... talking crap, like.... just fuxk-it! Why try... lay down and take it like a woman...All this work didn't get you no where!
Yes, it has! Yes, I have made a decent life for myself. Yes, I need to work harder, during trying times. I won't come this far and lay down, or whine ... and I flicked that booger out of sight! Shaking it off, sigh....... so what now? Whatever it takes!
It's been perfect weather for the past few days, blue skies and plenty of sunshine. We have traveled miles of river road, stopping along the way to step out and get a tad closer to Nature. Loving the common sights of all the beauty that we saw. Enjoying each others company. Hours of talk and laughter ... heartfelt thoughts and feelings we shared. The time just flew by, too fast.
Then I had to say goodbye.... I fought back my tears, watched as you drove away. The past few hours, the clouds have moved in. The blue skies have disappeared. It is raining now.
The Heavens cry, and so am I.
..short but sweet here entry...
He, oldfarmguy, a wild man that drove a long way to meet me .. face to face. hmmm.. I thought, ..omg.
We are very comfortable with each other, we talk, we share the past, future... live in a peaceful easy moments. :)
I feel my walls come trembling down! I panic!! I start gathering the pieces of my crumbled walls... rushing to rebuild. I stop... ponder and lay down a brick.
If i can overcome this FEAR, i'll be ok.
Guess this is appropriate post following the last one I did in April, Mother's Will.
Mother's Day always did trigger memories, feelings i wish to forget.. but how do you forget disappointment, hurt and feeling unloved.
You know what it's like to read through the cards... rejecting each one that says... Thank You Mother for all you have done...blah blah blah! :(
Yup, the sound of bitterness.
I am a loving soul, thank the Lord.
But... yup... a but, do i love my mother? mind blowing question.
I love her cause she brought me into the world. I love this world.
I do not love her as a friend nor have the respect after so many years, she is still spiteful!
I wish with alll my heart, i had a loving relationship with my mother.
It is what it is.... very sad.
After my visit in April, and what she said to me. Welll, since she knows i am not paying in, and she was only sweet and nice to me because of ..she needed something these past months. You know... i was stand-offest......is that a word... when she starting being nice and wanting to connect. huh?
Now for me, i am a mother of an awesome son!! He is happily married and i am a grandmother for a beautiful granddaughter and in Oct. i will be a grandmother for a grandson! *smile* There is love and respect between my son and I.
I learned one very valuable lesson from my mother... How not to be!
Today i went to see my mother. She was already bent out of shape due to me being in town and haven't stopped by yet. BUT... the TRUTH is i had to wait, as she already adviced me, to wait for my sister to leave work! wtf anyways... i waited for her call this morning, came when she said... the coast is clear! wtf.... We had breakfast and then decided to go for a picnic.... as she was preparing the basket she said very seriously... We need to talk about something... my stomach turned instantly, i knew it was not good...and it wasn't!
She told me since i haven't been around, talking, sharing with her and my passed away father... she decided that I would not be in her WILL! wtf.....I said, shaking all inside, still am!!! that ...OH Mom.. don't worry about it, i have been on my own since you and dad kicked me out at 14. She said... well i see you can't hardly care for yourself now so... what are you going to do when you are my age, 75. Well... ya know... i'll do the best with what i got!....She wants me to care for her when my sister moves in Oct. yup!..wtf
That situation was in the first hour i was there. I went outside and prayered, begged for strength not to go off, to handle this like a lady! I smoked my cig... walked the yard and came in like nothing had been said. We went on our picnic, was a great day, it was at Glen O Jones, there is a picture of a lake here... that is my peace place.... sigh....
I feed to geese, walked mother around, her arm wrapped around mine for support...wtf We stayed for a few hours came back to her home... and she looked at the clock and said...Oh... your sister will be here in just a bit... it was time for me to leave. I did, and thanked her for a great day, kissed her and drove off.
I am at my girlfriends home, she is gone to her moms, so with all this inside, i needed to vent, let this out .... Ya know, I love myself, I am a good woman, I am so proud of my control...I think I'll ROARRRRRRRRRRR! .exhale.....................
Thought i'd update this blog of mine. I reviewed my own words, actions every now and then just to see how i am coming along.lol... That is why i love to write on these sites. It's pure therapy for me... to see my ups and downs and errors, disjudgements on situations and folks... and how i grow and learn. Each soul i come into contact with ..no matter if it here in cyper space or face to face.. i do learn more about life and human behavior...mine and others.
Lately, it's been quite... an OMG feeling. One thing after another, the changes I am going through are delightful.. to say the least. My work is better, my friends are closer, my mind is much quieter and it's spring... life is good. Ignore past feelings, past posts, anything to do with the past... is long gone... i am free now.
Next week i am spending four days at my hometown in southern Illinois with my lifetime friends and mother. I am looking forwards to this mini vacation, reconnecting with my love ones. I hope they can see my change within me.. surely they will.. lol.. if not.. i'll tell them all about it. They will be happy to see i have finally made it out of my maze. It's been a long hard road for the past few years, i thought i would never see the light again but ... i was wrong... thank God!
I can see clearly now... as the song goes... that the rain has passed...only blue skies ahead.
The month of march has been... a test of character to say the least about it. it started wild and depressing and ended ... almost the same but.. tomorrow.. fools day.. i survived...yup.
the man who was working on my brakes for the past 10 days... doesn't have my truck anymore. the two other men i asked... sissied-out.. no call no show... muckers! then a little old lady i work for called to see when i was coming and i vented about my wheels... she told me to meet her at a local place and .. i did. she called AAA and told them to pick up her truck and take it to her mechanic..... they did and now i am going OMG! the last man who did my brakes from front to back..two years ago is the reason i am wheel-less now. he messed up! go figure... guess they saw a little old lady coming.... mfers! anyway... i need a total brake job..rotors...blah blah to bearings! blah blah blah! hundred dollars for parts... labor unknown! so... now what is a girl to do to gather money she doesn't have.... sell! something! anything! i did. i sold my 8ft. utility trailer for 3 hundred. take that! soooo i will be on the road again Monday!
the maN who had my truck for 10 days... couldn't understand why i didn't let him do it free. i told him if it took 10 days already... wtf... another 10.. don't think so and his action already spoke enough truth! the end!
THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE WILL BE IN THE SUMMER OF 2012!
This hasn't been a good month for me. It did have some highlights, good fortune.. but starting out ..the month with terrible storms, tornados. Then i lost my first client who i spent many hours with through the years and losing the family i took a huge hit when it comes to my income. The truck started breaking down... one thing after another.. tie rods, u-joints... to just a few days ago my brakes went totally out.. no pedal at all which i discovered when i approached a stop sigh. I roared right on through, heart pounding and saying a prayer cause it was a T in the road. No one coming but.... but i had to get to work, yup... stupid is as stupid does. BUT wait...
I traveled the back roads to my clean which is my 82 yr old man who ... well.. needs me. I got there safe and within 10 mins of being there he passed out due to... at the time... i didn't know if it was his sugar or heart. He broke a terrible sweat, lost his bladder and down he went! I hit 911 and his sugar was 24 and he was almost gone. So... :) if i hadn't been stupid and drove to town with no brakes this old man would not have survived. See.... all things have meaning, direction... we might not see it at the time but.. in time we do come to an understanding.
I finally got the money up to fix my brakes, today and the guy working on it showed me that my 2mos old tires i got for christmas... all 4 were lemons... belts broken... now i know why my truck had bouncing and road noise. I will go to Walmart and have them make it right! It was the factory faults so.....
Guess what other nice test i have ... am going through... my ex is out of jail.... yup.. the MFer is calling me! sigh... not once but three times now! hmmmm?
The point to this sad post is after i had my pity party... and shouted WTF is going on and.. saying stupid things ..feeling weak ...I snapped out of it by going from sad to mad! I know the "Law of Attraction"... I believe in it wholeheartedly! I had a choice ... either i was going to "draw" more badness, crash and burn thingy or ... roll up my sleeves, and put up my dukes. Well.... I made my choice by simply seeing where i have been... which I seen my strength... so.. I drummed up my will to kick ass back! just by deciding not to give up and ... the attitude changed like magic.... NOW... shit is still coming but...
An unhappy person and a happy one will have different perceptions of the same circumstances. The difference lies not in the circumstances but in the two states of life ~A book of Eastern Wisdom, Taro Gold.
Another told me that showing my weakness is a sign of strength..? hmm...whatever! i do not like to feel weak but at this moment, these past days....i am seriously weak and sad. i keep telling myself to bite the bullet and suck it up and get on with things. I do too, i work, eat and sleep. if it wasn't for the thought of playing in the dirt, planting seeds this coming spring... i wouldn't have much to look forward to. ...oh.. i have furry kids that need me too! well besides that... i have nothing! i hear myself in the background talking back to me... hey you... wtf... count your blessings... blah blah blah! i get that ..i really do but....
as soon as i stand up and dust myself off from the last challenge.. i meet up with another. i know i know... that is life... sighhhhhhhh! the harder i try the harder i fall. i am almost out of control these days. i fight my attitudes, thoughts and sigh...... hold on to myself hoping tomorrow things will get better.
people i come in contact with have no idea what goes on in my head. all they see is what i want them to see and hear. a uplifted, hopeful, happy soul. got them fooled! hey.. what can i say.. i don't like to bother folks with my woes when this whole world is in a bad place... we all carry our own crosses... i know this! why do i want to bring anyone down farther... i am the one that brings a smile when i come along... one who has the postive answers and thoughts.... whatever!
things has got to change.. lol... wtf.. they do change over and over again till i am plum wore out! i don't have any idea what i need to do... but what i am... work, eat and sleep. sounds exciting don't it!
Previous PostsCamping With Mr.P., posted April 29th, 2013, 4 comments
Lesson Learned, posted March 6th, 2013
Truth .. Do I Dare, posted January 14th, 2013, 4 comments
Another One Bites The Dust, posted December 31st, 2012, 2 comments
Xs, posted December 29th, 2012
Copy That!, posted December 27th, 2012
12 Days of Christmas, posted December 16th, 2012
3am, posted December 12th, 2012, 2 comments
Alone With My Thoughts, posted October 28th, 2012, 2 comments
Time Will Tell ...., posted June 30th, 2012
You are Me and I am You!, posted June 18th, 2012, 2 comments
A Wimpy Roar, posted May 29th, 2012, 2 comments
The Heavens Cried, posted May 21st, 2012, 2 comments
When the walls come trembling down..........., posted May 19th, 2012, 2 comments
May 13, 2012, posted May 12th, 2012, 5 comments
Mother's Will, posted April 28th, 2012, 2 comments
Blue Skies, posted April 21st, 2012, 2 comments
No Use In Complaining!, posted March 31st, 2012, 6 comments
Test of Character, posted March 23rd, 2012, 5 comments
Bite the Bullet or Eat it?, posted March 10th, 2012, 2 comments
Damn It ... Praise Be!, posted March 6th, 2012
In Like a Lion, posted February 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Essential Losses, posted February 26th, 2012, 2 comments
Good bye, posted February 19th, 2012
Crutch Free, posted February 11th, 2012, 7 comments
Highlights of Life, posted February 2nd, 2012, 3 comments
Facing Facts, posted January 21st, 2012
Lighting The Torch, posted January 19th, 2012
Reaching In Deep, posted January 14th, 2012, 1 comment
Felt So Good!, posted January 3rd, 2012, 4 comments
I Begin Again, posted December 27th, 2011, 2 comments
Return To Sender, posted December 26th, 2011, 2 comments
Is that so?, posted December 15th, 2011
Hey... I'm awake...wow, posted December 12th, 2011
Shock, posted December 9th, 2011, 2 comments
The Rapids, posted December 6th, 2011, 6 comments
Question and Answer, posted November 30th, 2011, 2 comments
A Ton Of Bricks, posted November 30th, 2011
Winding Down, posted November 26th, 2011, 1 comment
Wunjo, posted November 19th, 2011
Laguz, posted November 19th, 2011, 1 comment
Othila, posted November 19th, 2011, 1 comment
Perth in Reversed, posted November 19th, 2011
the otherside of me, posted November 15th, 2011, 4 comments
Redo!, posted September 29th, 2011, 6 comments
Sometimes Good-Byes Are A Second Chance, posted September 24th, 2011, 9 comments
Overwhelming Overtime, posted September 17th, 2011, 1 comment
Weeds!, posted September 5th, 2011, 2 comments
Witch on Broom Coming Through ...., posted August 31st, 2011, 1 comment
This Ain't Easy, posted August 30th, 2011, 7 comments
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